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PONDER THIS

3 October 2008 · Filed under Funnies

Here are a few things to think about that you may have never thought about before:

 

Can you cry under water?

 

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

 

Why do you have to “put your two cents in”.. . but it’s only a “penny for your thoughts”? Where’s that extra penny going to?

 

Once you’re in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

 

 

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

 

What disease did cured ham actually have?

 

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

 

Why is it that people say they “slept like a baby” when babies wake up like every two hours?

 

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

 

Why are you IN a movie, but you’re ON TV?

 

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

 

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They’re going to see you naked anyway.

 

Why is “bra” singular and “panties” plural

 

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

 

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

 

If the professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can’t he fix a hole in a boat?

 

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re both dogs!

 

If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn’t he just buy dinner?

 

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

 

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

 

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

 

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

 

Why do they call it an asteroid when it’s outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it’s in your butt?

 

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you,  but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?

 

Do you ever wonder why you read this posting in the first place?

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CONFESSIONS OF A THINKER

2 October 2008 · Filed under Funnies · Tagged , ,

It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then — just to loosen up. Inevitably, though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker.

 

I began to think alone — “to relax,” I told myself — but I knew it wasn’t true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.

 

That was when things began to sour at home. One evening I turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother’s.

 

I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don’t mix, but I couldn’t help myself.

 

I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau, Muir, Confucius and Kafka. I would return to the office dazed and confused, asking, “What is it exactly we are doing here?”

 

One day the boss called me in. He said, “Listen, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don’t stop thinking on the job, you’ll have to find another job.”

 

This gave me a lot to think about. I came home early after my conversation with the boss. “Honey,” I confessed, “I’ve been thinking…”

 

“I know you’ve been thinking,” she said, “and I want a divorce!”

 

“But hon, surely it’s not that serious.”

 

“It is serious,” she said, lower lip aquiver. “You think as much as college professors and college professors don’t make any money, so if you keep on thinking, we won’t have any money!”

 

“I think that’s a faulty syllogism,” I said impatiently.

 

She exploded in tears of rage and frustration, but I was in no mood to deal with the emotional drama.

 

“I’m going to the library,” I snarled as I stomped out the door. I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche. I roared into the parking lot with ABC on the radio and ran up to the big glass doors. They didn’t open. The library was closed.

 

To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night. Leaning on the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra , a poster caught my eye, “Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?” it asked.

 

You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinkers Anonymous poster.

 

This is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was “Porky’s.” Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting.

 

I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just seemed…easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking.

 

I think the road to recovery is nearly complete for me.

 

Today I took the final step.

 

I joined a political party.

 

 

AUTHOR: Anonymous

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