My Best Friend’s Girlfriend: To Flirt or Not To Flirt?

I’ve had a few awkward moments recently with one of my close friends and his girlfriend.  I’ve known this friend of mine since childhood, but he has only recently hooked up with this current girlfriend of his.  We’ve had quite a few nights out together now, and I’m slowly getting to know her.  She’s an incredibly lovely girl, and her and my friend are so perfect for each other.  They’ve got a lovely and really close relationship, and I’m so happy for the both of them.  Let’s just call my friend Brian, and his girlfriend Tamika.


Originally Tamika and I were making a Fair effort to get to know each other and to get along, as Brian and I have been close friends for quite some time now.  This wasn’t hard, as Tamika is a really lovely girl, like I said before.  However, Tamika’s compliments towards me have started becoming almost a little too frequent and personal, to the point that Brian has been commenting.  Now when Tamika says things to me like “mmm you smell nice”, I feel really awkward and don’t know how to respond.  I often just don’t say anything, not wanting to sound rude, but also not wanting to sound like I’m flirting with her.  There’s usually a little awkward silence, but now Brian usually says something to her like “you’re meant to say that to ME”, or “I donno about this..”.  We’ve also been saying flirtacious things to each other in French, just for the sake of speaking French, but this too has aroused Brian’s attention.  There were also a few moments the other nnight when a song would come on that both Tamika and I loved, and we would start singing together, and Brian I think felt a bit left out.


It’s awkward because on one hand I want to get close to Tamika as she’s my good friend’s girlfriend, and I want us to all get along and be able to have fun together.  At the same time I don’t want to cross the line or make Brian worried, anxious, awkward or angry.  There’s toatally nothing actually going on between Tamika and I.  I’m just naturally a flirtacious person, with all my friends.  It’s just how I interact and joke with people.  I find it’s a good way to break any ice.  I have absolutely no feelings for Tamika beyond that of friendship.  And even this is only because she’s my friend’s girlfriend.  I’m sure she feels the same way about me.  Brian and her are so obviously in love and right for each other, and I would never do anything to jeopardize that anyway.  So I don’t know whether I should be a bit colder towards her so we hopefully don’t have any more of these awkward moments, or whether I’m just being stupid, and I should just continue to be my usual flirtacious self around her, and take any concerned comments by Brian or her as jokes, and respond to them as such.


I would appreciate any comments, thoughts or advice from my colleague Dr Lee docter of sex love and relationships, or anyone else.  Cheers!


4 Responses so far »

  1. 1

    anonymouslee said,

    Hmmm this is a tricky situation. Like you say maybe you are just worrying too much and there actually is no problem and so you just continue on like normal, however this may come back and bite you in the ass later. Considering Brian is making comments and you can feel a tension in the air bets are that Brian and Tamika can feel this tension too. Has Brian ever said anything to you about it in private? Do you feel like she is hitting on you? because if you feel like she is hitting on you or flirting with you then she is, i don’t know how acceptable this is considering you are her boyfriends best friend. There’s a difference between flirting and coming on to someone, i think that Brian might be feeling a little bit threatened and maybe he thinks its better to say comments in front of you both rather than have a big fight with Tamika or a deep and meaningful with you.

    Maybe you need to talk to Brian? Just say one time when Tamika is not there, as Brian if he has an issue or something? Or you could be a little colder to Tamika and she might back off slightly and get the hint, i think the most important thing here is making Brian feel better. Because he could get really jealous which was affect his relationship with Tamika and his relationship with you, nobody wins in that situation. Or maybe Charlie you can talk about girls that you have feelings for with them both and ask their advice so that Brian knows you are not at all interested in Tamika? I dont know its a bit sticky! Maybe you could talk to Tamika alone? – although if Brian found this out im sure he would be a little upset.

    Sorry my advice is not very good!

  2. 2

    Charley said,

    On the Contrary Lee; your advice is both sensible and insightful. Thank you.

    But here’s the thing…. I definitely agree that there is a big difference between flirting and coming on to someone. I think Tamika is flirting, definitely not coming on to me. But I’m pretty sure it’s getting to Brian anyway. Brian definitely hasn’t said anything to me; he wouldn’t, Brian hates deep and meaningfuls, and despite the closeness of our relationship I’m not sure we’ve ever really had a deep and meaningful. Certainly not very many and they weren’t very deep, if we’ve had them at all. So that kinda rules out having a deep and meaningful with Brian. In any case, I would be at a complete loss how to bring it up with him. I would be worried I would just make it worse by drawing more attention to it. For the reasons you said, having a DnM with Tamika is probably not the best, although, if the chance arose it would probably be more fruitful than a DnM with Brian. I would just have to be tactful about it.

    They both know I currently have a girlfriend, so there shouldn’t be anything to worry about there. But that kind of logic doesn’t seem to be having much affect. Surely Brian should know that nothing would ever happen and that it’s all just friendly.

    I’ve started being a little bit cold-shouldered towards her, and I think it’s probably the best, considering, as you said, that Brian’s feelings should be the priority. But I just feel like such a cockhead doing it. I don’t like being a rude snobby cockhead, I want to be nice warm and friendly… And it could be drawing more attention to what she says because I just go silent afterwards. My awkwardness whenever she gives me a compliment or something or says something flirtacious may be what’s making everyone else feel awkward. man it’s just confusing…

    Lee, have you noticed Tamika/Brian being like that with other guys? It would make things a lot easier if that’s just how she is with everyone…

    The other possibility, a little more far-fetched, is that Brian has been making her feel a little insecure by flirting with her girlfriends, so this is a way of her getting back/showing him what it’s like.
    Wow I’m confused. Hahaha…

  3. 3

    anonymouslee said,

    Hmm I can’t say i know Tamika all that well, but i did notice she is a bit touchy feely with you, i noticed on your birthday when we all had drinks. Knowing Brian a little better however i can see how a D&M is probably not going to happen, and i can see how he could be a bit jealous. Tamika seems very much more friendly with guys than she is with girls, I mean she is alot closer to all the guys and not at all really with any of the girls. I think Tamika is just a bit of a girly girl in that she does communicate with guys by flirting, it doesnt mean she is hitting on them but yeah she just flirts it seems to be the only way she knows how to treat guys. Maybe you could turn her attention and compliments away from you and back on to Brian like if she says ‘Wow Charlie that shirts hot” you could say “Not as hot as Brian’s shirt” hehe that might work? Sorry im laughing coz i can imagine that conversation happening and it sounds funny. Another thing you could do is if she says “hey you smell really nice” you could say “Thanks… stop flirting with me” hehehe again sorry just thought that’d be funny.

    Or the next time you hang out you could say somehting really nice about the both of them being together like “Im so glad you guys are happy and you are so suited to each other and its so obvious you guys are so in love” or something like that so that Brian knows how supportive you are of their relationship, whereas if Brian asks you when you are alone and he says “What do you think of Tamika” and you say all this nice stuff because thats what you think Brian wants to hear, he could now interpret it as you being interested in her (coz his mind is crazy due to the jealousy hehe).

    It such a tough situation because i guess you don’t want to be rude to Tamika but at the same time you don’t want Brian to be uncomfortable. Hmmmm what does Brian say when she gives you attention and compliments?

  4. 4

    Charley said,

    Wow Dr Lee you’re full of awesome advice! Seriously, this has been great to be able to talk about it. You understand the situation perfectly, and your advice is really helpful and makes sense! I’m thinking of maybe even devoting a special page to Dr Lee’s love, sex and relationship advice… hehehe… What do you say?

    And I love this quote: “if she says ‘Wow Charlie that shirts hot” you could say “Not as hot as Brian’s shirt” hehe that might work? Sorry im laughing coz i can imagine that conversation happening and it sounds funny” – it totally cracked me up!

    But yeah, those are good, hillarious in fact, suggestions. Particularly the first one I think – it would help keep the mood light and funny, it isn’t being rude to Tamika and it avoids sounding sleazy or upsetting Brian in any way. It’s certainly better than my current strategy which has been to say nothing.

    Now you mention it she does seem like the kind of girl who would have way more guy friends than girls. And that probably explains why she is flirty. The problem is flirting is one of the only ways I relate to people. I only really have two settings: (1) serious (boring conversation and (2) flirting. Hehehe….

    Brian’s responses when she compliments me or says something a bit flirty have been growing steadily worse. he started off with nothing, then he would just give a grumble or mutter, then it went to trying to make a joke of it by saying in a joking way ‘I don’t know about this’, ‘what’s going on here’, ‘you two better watch it’ or something like that. Most recently he’s said quite seriously to Tamika ‘aren’t you meant to say that to me’, and then ‘I’m keeping my eye on you’. But then after this, whenever she would say or do anything a bit flirtacious towards me, her and Brian would kiss. That helped smooth thing’s over a bit.

    Anyway, I will take both pieces of your advice. I’ll try those lines next time she says something, and I will mention how happy I am that they are so good together. I’ll let you know how it goes Dr Lee! Thank you once again!

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